Gone Forever
by fireflylightning
Summary: Light keeps trying to convince himself that he never cared about L. That it doesn't matter that L is gone forever.


**Author's Note: This was written for the anniversary of L's death. This year is a very special deathiversary though. If you go by the anime timeline this is the first time that Light isn't still alive for L's deathiversary (I really hope that sentence makes sense.) This one shot is four random events that take place during the time skip. The first one takes place after L's death, but before Light and Misa move in together. The rest of them could take place any time after that during the time skip. This was written while listening to the song "Gone Forever" by Three Days Grace on a loop. I think this is the shortest story I have written so far. I hope you enjoy it.**

**Warning: Slight implied homosexuality, spoilers for episode twenty-five, and domestic abuse are present in this story.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

Light's eyes snapped open at approximately four-thirty-seven in the morning. For some unfathomable reason L finds it amusing to punch Light in the shoulder every day at exactly four-thirty-eight. But Light adapted so he started waking up one minute in advance to prepare himself. Light waited with his eyes clenched shut. Nothing happened. Light slowly opened his eyes and glanced at the digital clock next to the bed wondering if he woke up too early for some reason. Four-thirty-nine. That's when Light remembered two things that he shouldn't have been able to forget. First he forgot that this is his house. Then he forgot that L died. That L died and it was all his fault.

Light rolled over and tried to sleep only to find that he couldn't. He turned his bloodshot eyes to stare at the small television screen in his room. He had laughed as he watched Lind L. Tailor die on that television screen. Light looks over at the desk he rigged to explode if someone was to force it open. He remembers that time L illegally rigged his room with cameras. Those had become ancient artifacts of a simpler time. A time where it was easier to kill a god and keep that god dead than to lay a finger on L.

Light had to suffocate himself in his pillow in order to guarantee he wouldn't wake up everybody in the house with his laughter (the laughter of a maniac). _I did it! I did it! I_ _caused the downfall fall of L! Everyone thinks that I miss him! He thought I was his friend! I don't miss you at all L! In fact I feel so much better now that you are gone_ _forever!_ The teen screamed inside his mind. Light chose to ignore that empty feeling he had deep down.

Light sucked down the coffee that Matsuda had gotten for him. Matsuda always used to get L coffee and L alone, but since L passed away he has been getting everybody coffee. Light could tell Matsuda wasn't taking L's death very well. He used to have a little bit more energy and his smiles used to be a little bit more real and his eyes used to have a little bit more innocent optimism in them. Matsuda was a little bit broken now. _Good. I_ _can use that,_ Light noted to himself. A slightly broken Matsuda was more likely to end up accepting Kira. Light grinned, _yet another benefit of your death L._ Light was snapped out of his thoughts by a tap on the shoulder.

Light spun his swivel chair around, "Yes."

It was Matsuda, of course, "Do you need anything Raito?" _L used to pronounce my name correct the way it was intended to be pronounced_, Light recalled_, not that I care or anything. It doesn't matter how people pronounce my name. I've spent my entire life with my name being pronounced 'Raito'. The fact that one person used to say my name in English shouldn't make any difference on how I respond to it. I don't need to hear L say my name._

Light simpered at the brash young man's legitimate endeavor to be a help to the now pointless investigation, "Actually I do need something my esteemed Matsuda." Esteemed. Nothing could be farther than the truth about what the vigilante actually thought about the inexperienced police officer. Light saw Matsuda as an individual with considerable amount of potential to be a future follower of his someday. Nothing more.

Matsuda lit up, "What? Your wish is my command Raito." Light loved the sound of that a lot more than he would ever admit. _If only L would have wanted to serve me like that-_ Light had to force himself to halt that train of thoughts.

Light handed Matsuda the cup he was drinking earlier that was now devoid of coffee, "Could you get me some more?" To Light's amusement Matsuda's face fell marginally in his disappointment.

Matsuda counterfeited enthusiasm, "Sure thing Raito!" The rookie officer trotted off. _Someday soon Matsuda will forget about L and recognize me as his god,_ Light fancied.

Light staggered into the apartment he had rented with Misa. He tried, and failed to be stealthy. He did not want Misa to know what he had been doing.

"Where have you been Raito?" Misa said with an edge in her tone from the chair she waited for him in.

"None of your business." His voice catching on the last word. Light had been out drinking.

She quickly strolled up to him and studied him, "You were out drinking again. This is not a good habit Raito. Ever since L died this has been a problem. You go to the bar after work every single night now. You could end up sleeping with another woman. That would break Misa's heart. Misa is starting to feel abandoned. Don't you love-"

Light shoved her to the ground, "Shut up!" _No I don't fucking love you dumb bitch,_ he kicked her in the side. _I fucking hate you,_ another kick. _You are so fucking stupid,_ another kick. _You think every fucking thing is about you, _another kick. _Referring to oneself in_ _third person is really fucking annoying,_ another kick. _I wish I could've fucking done this_ _sooner, but Rem had to fucking threaten my life,_ another kick. _You are nothing compared_ _to L you dumb bitch,_ another kick. _L would've never approved of this,_ Light was about to kick her again, but he stopped himself. Misa was curled up on the floor shivering and crying. The usually bubbly murderer was definitely in a moment of weakness.

Light outstretched his hand and said gently, "Here. Let me help you up." Misa cowered away for a little bit, but eventually took his hand and let him help her up.

Misa locked eyes with Light, "This isn't like you at-"

Light slapped her. He slapped her hard enough that she was on the ground again. He was yelling now, "Don't you ever accuse me of having a problem again!" It didn't matter that she was right.

Light was taking a shower. Nothing harmful. He was only cleaning himself of the dirt he had accumulated. He suddenly felt a cold hand on his shoulder. Misa had done this few times before. She would just randomly show up when he was in the shower. She claims it is because she gets lonely. Light thinks it because she gets horny. Well, the guy has a point… they do end up having sex every time she does this.

Light sighed, "Can't I take a shower alone anymore." He turned around and kissed the owner of the hand deeply. Light wasn't being kissed back at all, so he broke off the kiss in order to compute the answer to whatever problem there could be.

A baritone voice stated in an entertained tone, "Why, Light-kun… I never knew you swung that way." _That's not Misa,_ Light realized. It was L. Light quickly backed up against the wall in a strange mix of fear and panic.

L tilted his head, "Why did you have such a mood swing? You were just robbing me of my first kiss."

Light pointed, "You're… you're…"

The detective finished sentence for him, "Dead? You should know that better anybody else in the world Light-kun. Oh, sorry would you prefer it if I called you Kira? How about God? Lucifer?"

Light resisted the temptation of having L refer to him as a god and inquired something else, "Then why are you here?"

L smiled, "But I am not here Kira." Light didn't understand what L meant and was about to ask for clarification only to find that L had disappeared. Maybe, just maybe, L was never here in the first place. _It doesn't matter if L was here or not because you don't care_ _about L,_ Light reassured himself. But in reality it meant everything. It meant everything because L was never coming back. L was gone forever.

**Author's Note: This story had a lot of my personal head canons in it. I don't know about you, but today I'll be cuddled up with my many stuffed animals and eating my Halloween candy mourning. I hope you enjoyed this, even though I'm pretty sure it sucked. No matter what your opinion may be please review and tell me about it.**


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